Published on Don’t Panic on 1st June 2009:

Ah the British education system where open abuse and bullying are part of the curriculum. If you are fat, ugly or ginger, or a combination of those, you’re pretty much screwed. Don’t Panic has gathered a few simple steps on how to get bullied.

Get some braces

Think train tracks with lime green bands and food wedged in the cracks. This will contribute a great deal to your bad breath. This is a must, along with BO.

Facial appearance

A very good way of getting mean nick-names shouted at you. Eat some hormones, be pubescent, or maybe put some butter or fat of some sort on your face every night before going to bed and basically never wash. You will soon be called “Pizza-face” or “Pizza-face with extra pepperoni” or if you’ve got big lips then you’ll be “stuffed-crust” or something.

Get glasses

Getting really big glasses with gold frames which aren’t quite the right shape is a good way of being called things such as “specky” and “four-eyes.” Make sure you accessorise with spectacle chains and greasy smudges. Furthermore, using lenses which make your eyes look like the size of your head will send those bullies crazy for you.

Personal appearance

Leave your messy bed-head and definitely never spend hours achieving the I-just-got-up-look. Just get up. That means to never put on other clothes than the same ones you had on the day before and the day before that. Trousers and t-shirts should be too short and jackets should be too big. But don’t exaggerate too much; you don’t want the bullies to feel sorry for you.

Personality

Having too much of a personality can make you the funny one. Even if you’re a bit weird, funny is an effective deterrent to bullies. You’d be better off being the quiet one who only says absolutely weird and nonessential things, preferably when someone else is talking. Also, make up absurd things about yourself such as that you are living in a castle, your mum is Barack Obama and you have a relationship with Paris Hilton. As soon as you’re old enough to get a job, tell people that you are modelling or working in your spare time as a secret agent. Soon people will be talking to you just so that they can laugh straight up your face. Remember to always aim to fit in with whatever the coolest group is but never quite get it right.

Embarrass yourself

If, for some reason, you fail with at the above because you’re too cool for school or simply because you just look fabulous no matter what you do, there are still a few tricks in the book. Be clumsy; drop your food in the canteen. Make sure your face goes red no matter what you do. Also, eat beans, broccoli and brussel sprouts to make sure that you’re farting badly wherever you go, sitting and standing, running or walking. Try skipping on your way to the toilet, or just don’t use the loo at all and make sure you’re wetting and shitting yourself in public. Follow these simple steps and your school years will be long and immeasurably miserable.